Hello, my fellow Napkins. I would like to share my opinion on a topic of a sensitive nature. I acknowledge that my opinion may seem a little extreme.

However, I am convinced that deep down, every warm-blooded American will agree with me. So I ask of you, those who fearlessly peruse this controversial section of our local periodical, read on with intrepid open-mindedness.

I hate trees. Yes, you read that last sentence absolutely right. Those silly wooden structures that shoot haphazardly out of the ground (and though I have a hard time believing this, apparently some people actually plant these monstrosities purposely as well!) whose roots grow willy-nilly and whose frilly headdresses fall off once a year, leaving the ground scattered with slippery, crunchy fiddle-faddle.

I have an intense dislike of them. Why, you might well ask? Well, first and most obviously, they are always in the way.

Whether I am playing golf, driving my car or simply sight-seeing, those confounded trees always seem to block my shot, the easiest route to my destination or my view. Secondly, these silly people who call themselves “specialists” keep telling us that we should protect and nurture them as though our duty revolved around them.

I am my own person and I will do as I darn well please! The trees can take care of themselves. Finally, and most importantly, they infringe upon my rights as a pedestrian.

 I cannot stand having to watch where I am walking, wary of uneven bits of pavement due to the errant roots of these iconoclastic, overgrown shrubs.

I mean, how dare these trees think they can simply grow and thrive wherever they wish at the price of my having to raise my feet an extra few inches when I walk past?

Enough is enough, I say. Please, fellow Napkins, join me in an uprooting, if you will, of all things tree in this simple valley of ours.

Do not tolerate any longer the mischievous undermining of our peaceful society by these woody fiends. Let us instead go out, axes in hand and cut down these invaders with our hatred. Let us quell their helpless existence by cutting off their water supply.

With your determination we can quash the rebellion of our unmoving, rights-less, oxygen-creating counterparts and achieve the sandy desert paradise of our dreams.

(Lydon lives in Napa.)