To the tune of:  I Only Have Eyes for You 

Are the snobs out tonight?

Talking winespeak with fervent delight,

But I don’t even have a clue, dear.

They seem so refined,

But they never can make up their mind;

So, I don’t even get a clue.

I don’t know Spectator from Parker,

I think wine ratings are a bore

(Snore)

Taste this wine — it’s grand,

It only costs 5.99, and

I really don’t have a clue;

So the cheap stuff will surely do.         

Is this First Growth Bordeaux?

Or, some New York state kosher merlot?

“Cause I really don’t have a clue, dear.

I simply can’t tell,

From the taste or the look or the smell,

‘Cause I really don’t have a clue.

I can’t tell chardonnay from riesling

I don’t know Burgundy from swill,

Still

I act so secure

Like a genuine wine connoisseur;

Shunning bottles I must unscrew

But, I really don’t have a clue.          

  

Now, there’s  vodka — let’s chat —

Can you really tell this one from that?

“Cause they all taste the same to me, dear

It’s pure alcohol,

So, it simply has no taste at all,

And I really don’t have a clue.

I can’t tell Absolut from Gray Goose

Or, why they cost some $30 bucks,

Shucks,

We pay for their ads

That push all of the au courant fads,

‘Cause the cheap stuff they say won’t do

But I really don’t have a clue                            

And the truth is, you see;

Bottled water is wasted on me

And I think it’s a waste for you, dear

I may be naïve,

But I’ve come, at long last, to believe,

About nothing, there’s much ado.

I don’t think most folk’s tastes are better;

They just keep trying to outdo

You

And me with their airs;

Though I doubt that most anyone cares

When at me they may look askew

But I think most don’t have a clue

David Fleishhacker and Ed Schwartz