Oct. 4 was the first anniversary of my daughter’s death. It has been a very difficult year for all of us.

The question that has haunted me is, Why did Angie have to die?

Angie was smart, pretty and had a great sense of humor. She loved her six children and tried to be the best mother possible.

But Angie also had a dark side. She was tortured by anxiety and panic attacks, low self-esteem and depression. She turned to alcohol to ease the pain.

Two years after Angie graduated from high school, she married her first husband. Two years later, their son was born. Angie’s ex-husband is a college graduate, a successful man and a good father. But Angie thought he was too controlling. They divorced.

She left her son with his father. She punished herself for that for the rest of her life.

To compensate, Angie devoted her life to helping others. While working for a nursing home in Santa Cruz, she met her second husband. To her, he was everything her first husband was not. He catered to her wishes, and Angie called the shots.

To prove she was a good mother, they had a family. One son, and a year later another, then twins, then another boy. About this time, they moved to Oregon.

I knew Angie had a drinking problem, but I didn’t know how bad it was. I would call to talk to her and the kids would say, “Mom’s sleeping,” “Mom’s taking a shower” or “Mom’s at the store.”

Actually, she was sleeping it off or watching TV in bed while drinking her vodka.

However, Angie was a functioning alcoholic. Her last job was as manager of a mortgage company. I called her at work one day about 10 a.m., and she was extremely drunk. I called her husband and told him to go get her. He got there and she was the only one inside. The place was locked. He couldn’t get her to come to the door. Police and firefighters were called. They broke down the door. Angie had fallen off her chair and hit her head on the desk. She was passed out on the floor.

She was taken to the ER, and then to the detox center to dry out.

After that, she seemed to get on track. She went to AA meetings, read her AA bible. But it didn’t last.

The day she died, she went to bed around 1 a.m. The kids said she came downstairs around

10 a.m. and said she was going to get something to eat. But she went to the liquor store. She returned and went upstairs. When her husband came home from work he found her in bed, not breathing. He did CPR and called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they pronounced her dead. She was placed in a body bag, taken downstairs and put in a van to be taken to the morgue. The kids saw all of this.

Five weeks later, we finally got the results of the toxicology tests. The cause of death was an alcohol overdose. Her blood alcohol level was .63. The coroner said he’d never seen a blood-alcohol content that high.

After a year of struggling to understand why my daughter died, I now have the answer. Angie lived a life of turmoil.

A big change: This year, my son-in-law has brought the kids to see me more than I did when Angie was alive. These are happy, calm, well-adjusted children.

They love their mother, but no longer do they have to experience her waking up after drinking, turning on the lights in the middle of the night and yelling for them to help her clean up. No longer do they have endure her getting up at 2 a.m., thinking it’s 5 p.m. the day before, and telling them to get up and do their homework.

Another big change: About six years ago, Angie called her brother and got into an argument. As a result, my son wrote me and his three sisters out of his life.

When Angie died, I called my son. He, his wife and my three grandkids came to the funeral. I now have them back in my life.

I called Angie’s first husband and my grandson, who I hadn’t seen for at least 15 years. They also came to the funeral. They are in my life once again.

In dying, Angie healed the wounds and brought a family back together.

But the greatest salvation of losing my baby is that she is at peace. She is no longer haunted by the demons that chased her most of her life.

I love her and miss her painfully. But isn’t it all parents greatest wish that their children are happy and at peace?

(Dorgan lives in Napa.)