Most peculiar doings

By KEVIN COURTNEY

Forces unknown are messing with my mind.

It started innocently enough in late April when I found a Hershey’s dark chocolate Kiss in my mail drawer at work.

Without hesitation, I peeled off the foil wrapper and popped it into my mouth. Quite the unexpected treat.

A few days later, another Kiss appeared. Also dark chocolate, suggesting that someone out there knew my preference.

While savoring the Kiss, I wondered who the giver might be. It was too late in April to be the Easter bunny.

I didn’t dwell on the mystery of it. For all I knew, everyone in the newsroom was getting Kisses in their mail drawers. Maybe they were gifts from corporate.

But when I asked around, I learned that no one else had received Kisses.

This news had an electrifying effect. Someone was bestowing Kisses on me only. Might I have a secret admirer?

A tingle ran up my spine. Nothing this exciting had happened since elementary school.

But who?

Without making a big deal of it, I approached several of my female coworkers. Did they happen to know anything about the sweets in my mail drawer?

They laughed. They denied.

A few days later,  yet another Kiss.  While it melted — dreamily, I must say — in my mouth, I realized that my delight was now tinged with vexation. Someone was toying with me.  I went to my boss. I told of the Kisses, stopping just short of reporting myself a victim of sexual harassment. He knew nothing. Nor did the Mystery of the Kisses in Courtney’s Mail Tray seem to interest him.

Hoping to end this little game, I put a note in my tray asking the Kisses fairy to please leave a clue as to her or his identity. Days went by. Nothing.

Then a response. I found a note seemingly printed on office equipment. I’d misspelled fairy, the writer said, but OK, here’s a clue.

The so-called clue was cryptic beyond belief. I could make nothing of it. I threw the note away in frustration.

Then I went on a short vacation. When I returned, the Kisses had stopped. Like a conditioned lab rat, I kept checking, but nothing. I guessed that my inability to solve the puzzle had made me unworthy.

Let’s flash forward. A week ago Wednesday, while setting out on my morning jog, I encountered eight signs strung from trees and a mailbox at the head of my street.

When read in proper order, they said: Cloven hooves/Upon 4 feet/Up this street/U will/Find a treat/Courtney roses/Have a feast/Borrette Lane.

It was like the Burma Shave highway signs of yesteryear, but directed at me ... or at least my roses.

When I got back to the house, I let loose with the news of the signs. Cheryl, who didn’t like having her roses promoted as deer fodder, was at a loss for an explanation. Jonathan thought maybe this was a prank by the girl next door.

The mom of the girl next door said no, they knew nothing. They had assumed that Jonathan had put up the signs. Another neighbor theorized that the signs were a clue for kids on a treasure hunt. Had we found anything odd in our rose bushes?

The signs disappeared a few days later, again under cover of darkness. They are certainly gone, but they’re not forgotten.

I’ve devoted hours of brain time trying to figure out what/who/why. For the life of me, I can’t come up with a plausible explanation.

Who would go to the trouble? What could they have been thinking?

Perhaps it’s someone who knows how Cheryl grumbles when she finds deer damage to her flower beds. Or a reader of this column who is familiar with my deer laments. Could the Hershey’s Kisses Fairy be behind both?

What’s this about a Kisses Fairy? Cheryl said.

Oops. Didn’t I tell you? I may have a secret admirer at work. This person bestows dark chocolate.

Cheryl wanted to know more. A lot more.

If I’m being stalked, I said, it’s by someone who appreciates my sweet tooth and has a poetic bent.

It would like to end this column with an all-encompassing explanation of the Kisses and the Burma Shave signs, but this is not to be.

Life is complex. Not everything can be explained. Good things, bad things, whimsical things happen.

Oh the mystery of it all.

Kevin can be reached at 256-2217 or Napa Valley Register,  P.O. Box 150, Napa 94559 or kcourtney@napanews.com

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