When is the perfect time to visit Iowa?

I’m sure we all have opinions about this. Some of you might well say never.

I hear you. But never is no longer an option when your first-born gets his first post-university job in America’s premier corn and hog state.

Wanting to maximize my chances for a comfortable visit, Dennis said not to come in winter. The cold is ferocious. Forget about summer, too. Iowa’s heat is as bad as the cold.

We settled on the third week in May, when conditions were likely to be  up to Bay Area standards.

The flight from Oakland to Denver went well. Sunny skies all the way. As we boarded for the final leg, a gate worker warned us to be flexible. Eastern Iowa had severe thunderstorms. Our plane may have to divert to another state.

That Iowa! Weather surprises even in May.

Dennis teaches math at the University of Iowa in Iowa City on the banks of the Iowa River. Yes, there’s an Iowa Street in Iowa City, but  Dennis does not live there.

Iowa City is about the size of Napa, but half the population is college students. The town swarms with young people, sort of like our Davis, only these students don’t ride bikes much. As Dennis explained it, the weather’s either too cold or too hot.

And another thing. By California standards, the population is amazingly white. I thought I was among Pilgrims. 

These blanched folks have a unique style of dress. Most everything they wear touts Iowa and its Hawkeyes. You may never think of Iowa. Iowans think about Iowa all the time.

If Iowa is a cult, it’s apparently harmless. The people seemed friendly enough.

Another thing about the Iowa scene: No mountains.

We Californians can nearly always see mountains from wherever we happen to be. Mountains frame our golden lives.

In Iowa, the corn and soy bean fields stretch to infinity. When you look toward the horizon, there’s nary a bump, unless you count the silos.

To a Napa guy, this came across as way too much sky.

If I were an Iowan, I’d worry about this lack of topographic definition. Without mountains, what keeps Iowa from slipping into Nebraska?

Unbelievably, wineries exist in this alien landscape. I spied two from the highway. In Amana, I visited a tasting room.

I passed on dandelion, but drank the rhubarb. I shall spare you the gory details.

If you are starting to think of Iowa as behind the cultural curve, I should note that my first two meals in Iowa City were in vegan restaurants.

One of them, the Red Avocado, was both gourmet and exciting. We had just ordered when the waiter announced an evacuation. “We’re taking on water,” he said.

It was raining torrentially. Some of the downpour was leaking in.

Back at Dennis’, the sky went nuts, unleashing flaming bolts of lightning. Thunder claps shook the house. I ran from window to window like a frenzied dog. If one of these bolts had my name on it, I wanted to see it coming.

The weather finally cleared up. And when it did, legions of able-bodied homeowners came outside, climbed aboard their tractor mowers and went at it.

Iowa has more lawn than any place I’ve ever seen. It’s nothing for a tiny house to be surrounded by an acre of grass. The smaller the house, the bigger the lawn.

The mowing never stops. Millions of man-hours are devoted to it in Iowa City alone.

Downtown Iowa City is a bustling place. That’s what 30,000 students do for a town.

While Napa brags about its Zagat-rated restaurants, Iowa City boasts an even greater number of beer bars. To learn more, read the local newspaper police logs.

Last summer, Iowa City was hit by a flood of almost Biblical proportion. A year later, there are still signs of devastation. The new university art museum may be abandoned. Ditto the concert hall.

Iowa City had the nation’s lowest unemployment rate in March, yet there are signs of recession creep. A local paper quoted a guy with a Ph.D. from MIT who had lost his job. He was leaving the state.

“After the all-time record low temperatures last winter, the near all-time record snowfalls last winter, a F-5 tornado and the all-time record flood, I feel like I’ve done Iowa,” he said.

Kevin can be reached at 256-2217 or Napa Valley Register,  P.O. Box 150, Napa 94559 or kcourtney@napanews.com