" It's one thing to give feedback on something; it's another thing entirely to try to "fix" someone, or force your own view of perfection on someone else. People should decide for themselves when good enough is good enough. "

" My particular pet peeve with the pursuit of 'perfection' is when it comes to recognition of female beauty.

The fashion industry holds up an ever-changing image of 'beauty' and few women can be that.

Beauty's hair is a different color, curlier, or straighter. Beauty's teeth are straighter, the right shape and now blindingly white. Beauty's skin is not too dark, too light, or too tan.

Beauty's body is too slim, busty, but not too busty, waist is narrow, the hips not too big and the feet small.

I have sisters, moms, grandmoms, cousins, aunts, and daughters and every kind of in-law and step- of the above, too.

And without fail, if you tell them they are beautiful, they look at you and then look in the mirror... and see something else... some small 'imperfection' that they magnify in their internal self as 'not-beautiful-enough'.

They miss what I see... their unique beauty.

My beloved had a lumpectomy years ago. When she looks at herself she sees a scarred imperfection.

I see that my beautiful wife is still with me and even though I have tenderly kissed her scar and thanked it for leaving my wonderful beautiful wife with me - she doesn't see the beauty in that scar.

So... Angelina, do well at the goals you set for yourself. But, don't just race your bike!

Love your beauty, so that the folks throughout your days of youth through adulthood and seniority... those who love you can say that you are BEAUTIFUL at any age!

And you can recognize that they are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

~Ruff "

" pharper-
I understand that there is a fine line between the two. Like I said, I cannot stand it when a "counselor" tells a kid that they are 'perfect in their own way', even when they are failing. That's not helping a kid lead a successful life, that's destroying their chances at success. A good counselor would say " Look, your grades are terrible. You need to quit the video games and study harder if you want your life to revolve around something other than 'would you like fries with that?'"

Ruff-
I agree entirely. Some people (like my 10 year old sister) look good tiny. She only weighs fifty something pounds, but she looks healthy. Others, like Lindsay Lohan, don't. When she tried to be a size 0 by starving herself she looked terrible. Sick. There is more than one form of beauty. "

" Teaching how to compete in a healthy way has been one of my toughest challenges with my son. Sometimes he is a sore loser and I have to teach him how to let it go and learn from it to do better next time. Sometimes he is a sore winner and I have to teach him how to help others rather than belittle them. Feeling good about a victory is good, even joshing your friends on the other team in a fun way - dissing the losers is not IMHO.

I think the biggest thing is the attitude of the person commenting on your "work", whatever it is. If they are genuinely trying to help, it is much easier to take criticism, even if I don't like it or disagree. If they are being snotty, then I just tend to blow that person off (if not at first, then eventually after I have vented :-). "

" Angelina, a good counselor would do both. Just because someone gets bad grades doesn't make them a bad person, a lazy person, or a stupid person. Everyone is perfect in their own way; everyone has their own talent or abilities. When someone is made to feel worthless because someone only points out the bad, it's not at all helpful. "

" Self-esteem and confidence are almost the same, but there are nuanced differences. Self-esteem is overall satisfaction with yourself (you like who you are, you know you're true to your values, AND usually you're confident where it's most important to you.) Confidence has a somewhat narrower definition, in that it often refers only to a specific area of your life. (It also has a broader definition, in that it can refer to faith in someone else or in a positive outcome.) Someone may feel confident socially (which makes them look like they have great self-esteem), or confident academically. (Either one may not feel great about themselves in other ways.) Someone may be confident in sports, or art, or cooking, but may not see themselves as great overall. Confidence is having faith. Self-confidence is believing in oneself (usually in terms of performance). Self-esteem is self-respect.

Some feel great about themselves on the surface (self-conceit), but lack confidence in what matters to them. So crack that surface, as in criticize them or win against them in a competition, and they fall apart. Or at least they get angry, and sometimes get back. It's difficult to give them constructive criticism, because underneath the surface, they're really quite vulnerable.

But self-confidence, when it's based on real skill or mastery, is usually more stable. In that case, criticism usually just makes the person stronger. If I'm writing a story and feel confident about my writing skills, it will only help me if someone gives me feedback about specific problems in my writing. If they tell me it's a stupid story, however, it might put a big chink in my self-esteem, especially if feeling good about myself depends on being able to write a good story. "

" People are more "self-aware" than you think. They realize a phony compliment when they hear it.
Affirmations must be sincere and honest.
Self-esteem is like a bucket with a hole in it. It needs refilling throughout life because so many of life's encounters can cause it to leak. Confidence is just one of the components in the bucket.
Angelina: You absolutely cannot do everything you might want to. Determination will not get you everything. Life takes many twists and turns that are unexpected and beyond the control of your determination. It's the journey that counts, not the arrival. "

" Angelina-

Wise beyond your years. My wife is constantly reminding me to "Watch what I say". my response is "Why". I am not afraid to offend anyone when I speak what is on my mind.

I believe in doing the right thing, I may disagree with many of the posters on the NVR site, but understand and uphold their rights to their views. Controlling speech due to "Political Correctness" is repression of free speech. That I cannot abide by.

As for self-esteem, that is for you as an individual to develop through deed and actions. It is not up to society to pamper you, because it will not.

alucawanza- his last paragraph is the gospel, well said. Change is the only constant in the universe. "

" Jeez, Ruff.

You make it "Ruff" to not like you.

Pssht! "

" Thank you, steph!

I like you too! In a age-appropriate, gender-neutral, diversity-respecting, non-harrassing, non-threatening, non-stalking way that my wife would totally approve of!

;o)

~Ruff "

" Self esteem comes from doing the right thing. You cannot fool yourself although, you may try. We will all find out one day. I prefer not to go to my death bed having any regrets. I don't want to regret that I didn't show compassion for those with less than me. I don't want to regret that I thought I was better than someone else because I inherited money or because I was blessed with a higher IQ or because I was born in San Francisco and not Sudan. Isn't that more a belief in God and something greater than blind faith? I would suggest, that instead of confidence and self esteem we simply replace those with gratitude for whatever is before us in the moment. It could always be worse. Competition is okay but, if it is supposed to make the loser stronger, it should also make the winner a little more gracious. That seems to be the missing piece Angela. "