How often do we hear parents express frustration that the teens of today “just don’t seem to listen anymore”? Many of us who work with teens hear the question aimed right back at the parents. “Why don’t my parents listen to me?” a teenager might ask. Teachers, family court mediators and family therapists often encounter situations where communication between parents and teens is strained.

Adults may have their own difficulty in communication with each other. Not all of us had ideal parents that consistently role modeled effective communication on a regular basis. Children learn from what they experience and see, in addition to what we tell them.

Communication with teens is a two-way street similar to communication between two adults. Communication involves listening as well as speaking. Parents often turn to professionals to plan strategies to get their children to listen to them. Children are generally willing to listen to their parent when one condition is met: Children also want to be heard.

When adults communicate effectively they speak respectfully, they chose words carefully and then allow the other person to respond. In our daily conversations we communicate best with the people that we believe are truly listening. Our teenagers are no different. They too want someone to hear what they are saying.

Oftentimes teens ask a parent or other adult about their opinion on a particular matter. It makes for an interesting and productive conversation when the adult skillfully delays answering the teens by turning the table on them and asking what are their thoughts. Teens often have fascinating perceptions about the world around them. Many teens can’t wait to get their thoughts and feelings out. Promoting teen self-expression creates an environment in which they feel encouraged to invest more of themselves into that relationship.

Sometimes it’s tricky for a parent to separate asking their child’s opinion from giving the teen permission to make his or her own decisions. Some independent decisions are to be encouraged. Other situations clearly need parental guidance. Most teens understand that giving their opinion is not the same as being given unilateral permission to decide the outcome.

When teens are consistently discouraged from participating in conversations they may learn to withhold their opinions, they may begin to express them behaviorally and in inappropriate ways, or they may simply find someone else who will listen to them.

With today’s hectic pace and scattered schedules, the now ancient ritual known as dinner together doesn’t present itself on a daily basis for most of us. However, creating this occasional opportunity has so many potentially positive outcomes. Children of all ages want to talk about their day. They want to share what they learned.

Questions that have a yes or no possibility may result in just that from a teen. Be creative and ask your teen what he or she thinks about a topic. The answers may enlighten and surprise you. Learning about politics, social problems and relationships through the eyes of a teen can have fascinating results. Just ask!