Without much fanfare, the United States government has just announced a new bureau to regulate the proliferation of back label copy clichés on our nation’s wine bottles. 

Called the Bureau of Awful, Trite Labels, or BATL for short, it is a sister agency to the long-established BATF. The head of the new regulatory agency is Professor G. Farnsworth Spellum, OED, a former professor of English at Rutgers University, New Jersey, and one of the leading cliché fighters in the English Language today.

Dr. Spellum and his literary cohorts who make up the BATL believe this new agency will signal the end of the spate of clichés popping up on back label copy all over the world.  He is the author of several books on clichés, the most recent one is titled, “Much Ado about Cool Clichés.”

Dr. Spellum noted, “While we must conduct substantially more research before announcing our complete anti-cliché program, our distinguished team is ready to announce several wine clichés that must be eliminated from back labels by the year 2010. This advance warning will give plenty of time for back label copy writers to develop some new clichés without adverse effect of having to over exert their brains or throw away a lot of labels now in inventory.”

The first phrase to be struck down is: “This wine is immediately approachable, but will yield rich rewards if held several years.” Dr. Spellum said that 512 wine brands now convey this message on the label, far beyond the limits of human endurance. “This cliché is simply too hard to swallow — this will show that this agency is not to be dealt with lightly. This is an example of a cliché coupled with an oxymoron and we all know how dreadful that can be.”

The second phrase to be eliminated is the use of “hand-crafted” on the back label.  Dr. Spellum noted that over 600 wineries are using the words “hand-crafted” in spite of the fact that all the wineries doing so have a great deal of mechanical equipment in their cellars.  

Another phrase to be banned immediately is “Great wines begin in the vineyard.” This is particularly confusing to me,” according to Dr. Spellum. “It was pointed out to me by a well-known wine consumer familiar with all the lower end wine categories — wines under $5.00 — that bad wines also start in the vineyards, except the very few wines that start in the chemistry lab. Obviously this phrase has been mauled into incomprehensibility.”

Dr. Spellum also noted there will be specific issues with specific varietals. The use of the premium varietal pinot noir in conjunction with the phrase “seeking the Holy Grail” will be banned. BATL firmly believes in the separation of religion from winemaking except, of course, in certain religious observances that will be grandfathered in.  Also to be banned are all sophomoric puns on zinfandel such as zeven deadly zins, zinphomaniacs, zincere, zintillating and the substitution of inelegant words like bubblies, fizzies, sparklies and popsies for Champagne or sparkling wine.

Another issue that will fall under the aegis of the BATL will be the writing of wine and food pairings.  Dr. Spellum explained, “We must level the playing field in this sensitive area. For example, let us take two fine Napa chardonnays from two different wineries. One winery has a zealous copy writer with a slight case of hyperbole. This back label boasts, “This chardonnay pairs well with Cheese Blintzes, Chicken Tetrazzini, Chicken Pot Pie, Beef Stroganoff, Tuna Fish Casserole,  Fried Fish, Sushi and Lobster Thermidor.”  The second label is written by a copy writer who is shy and not up to date on the latest cuisine trends. This label reads “Goes with Chicken and Fish and good friends.” Clearly this gives a wildly unfair advantage to the zealous writer. Even though both chardonnays are equally excellent, consumers naturally would be drawn to the more loquacious label.   Therefore, starting in 2009, all wine and food pairings listed on back label copy must meet the rigid guidelines soon to be published.  As I have pointed out many times, respect words and they will respect you, or something to that effect,” Dr. Spellum articulated.

Issues such as the above show the depth of complication in stripping away the veneer of wine clichés, according to Dr. Spellum. “Terroir is another word that can have vastly different implications depending on a host of intertwined factors, geographical as well as philological. In my opinion, this cliché belongs to the French, and they should rightly have it. What happens in Burgundy stays in Burgundy.”

Dr. Spellum ended the press conference on a high note. “There is no doubt in my mind that the elimination of wine clichés and the introduction of new and exciting literary phrases to the genre will create a renaissance in back label copy writing.  Soon, we will see labels approaching the majesty of a Shakespeare sonnet, the puissance of a Churchill phrase, the poignancy of a couplet by W.B. Yeats or the wit of a Cole Porter lyric.”

Have a wine cliché you would like eliminated? Write ejsprwine@aol.com and we will forward it to the proper authorities.