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Planning for old age
Health, finances top tough, necessary topics for adults and their parents
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CommentIn November of 2007, Robert and Melva Van Prooyen of Napa, both 92, were in crisis. Just five days after Robert suffered a painful back injury, Melva broke her hip and doctors said she needed surgery.
The couple’s daughter, Penny Granberg, said although the pair had already hired caregiver help for four hours a day at their country home, she and her brother — who both live outside of the area — knew their parents needed more assistance. The Van Prooyens now receive around-the-clock care in their own home.
Granberg, 67, is one of millions of adult children who understand the value of addressing in-home care, driving, health, finances and other issues with their parents well before necessity requires these conversations. Granberg said that bringing up these topics can be difficult for some adult children.
“They’ve always been your parents and always have been in charge and you don’t want to offend them or give them the lack of dignity of not making their own decisions. But sometimes, safety is a real issue,” she said.
Candy Smith, owner of the American Canyon office of the international franchise Home Instead Senior Care, understands this dilemma. In efforts to jump-start these important conversations, she said, Home Instead recently launched the 40-70 Rule Campaign, which urges adult children who have reached age 40 and parents who are approaching 70 to start planning for the future.
“It’s difficult for children to get those conversations out on the table and the idea is to have those conversations before a crisis arrives,” said Smith. “Parents don’t want to worry kids about health and financial issues and it can be frightening to talk about planning for a time that parents can no longer care for themselves totally. ... But our elders are too important to allow it to go unaddressed.”
Smith said a recent study commissioned by Home Instead revealed that many adult children are not successfully shifting from a parent-child relationship to a peer-to-peer relationship. Survey results also indicated that the baby boomer generation has “the most difficulty talking with their parents about independence issues, such as continuing to live in their own home, and that their parent’s desire to remain independent makes it challenging to address such sensitive issues as health and money,” according to a press release from Home Instead Senior Care. These findings, Smith said, help to explain why these important conversations between parents and children can take years to get started.
Children who have tried unsuccessfully to start a dialogue with their parents should “look around that person to see who might be more successful,” such as a doctor or longtime friend, she added.
Elizabeth Mautner, coordinator of Napa’s Long-Term Care Ombudsman’s Office, said addressing future needs can also be stressful for parents, because the talks can “signal a change in the parents’ lives, a possible loss of independence and the ability to make decisions for themselves.”
Mautner said understandably, some parents develop a fear of becoming too dependent on someone else, especially when it comes to driving and transportation. The trick, she said, is striking a balance of preserving as much independence as possible while getting parents the help they need.
Celine Regalia, program director of Adult Day Services of Napa Valley, said trouble down the road can result if parents and their children fail to plan ahead. The lack of an advance health care directive — also known as power of attorney for health care — is a case in point.
“Personal health care issues might not be honored. It can also cause conflict in a family if family members might not agree about treatment during a crisis,” said Regalia.
For a free booklet about the 40-70 Rule Campaign — which offers tips for how parents and children can approach important topics — call Home Instead Senior Care at 252-3322 or visit www.4070talk.com.
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Bill wrote on Feb 18, 2008 1:58 PM:
SEJ31 wrote on Feb 18, 2008 5:24 PM: