Face it — any good wine writer can taste a wine and rate it. Mere bagatelle and certainly not good enough for Register readers who want to be in the very vanguard—ahead of the wine curve as it were. 

In this column, we will review wines that haven’t even been released yet, or even thought of--wines that you can expect to see on wine merchants’ shelves in 2009 and beyond.

You see, the wine business is greatly affected by trends. In 2006, we saw a furious profusion of wines named after funny animals, funny labels and assorted witty names. I give you as examples  — Pink Penguin, Fat Bastard, Yellow Tail and Yellow Bird, Big Ass, Scraping the Barrel, Cardinal Zin, Big Red Chardonnay and so forth into marketing nomenclature hell.

  Next year, we expect this trend to be even trendier, each winery’s marketing director trying to top someone else. So I have done serious research and made some clandestine phone calls to find out what was brewing in the years beyond. Here are the names of some of these newer than new wines. You may want to cut this list out so that you can be the first on your block to lay them in your cellar.

2008 Terroir — There has been such an emphasis on terroir, a French wine term that means the taste of a particular place; that unique combination of soil and climate that combines to make a unique wine. Gotcha Cellars of Pacifica will be distributing this fine red wine with actual dirt from the vineyard in the bottle itself. Yes, this wine must be decanted, but, surely, not a big price to pay for a chance to finally taste real terroir in a wine. About $40 and dirt cheap.

 2008 Quinze — This is the ultimate in a blended wine from the famous De Trop winery in Southern France.  Forget wines that have five varietals in the bottle. How yesterday. This French wow-wow has 15 varietals in all — 10 white and five reds. The wine may appear to be murky at times, but wait until you taste this mélange before deciding. Why have all those different varietals in your cellar when you can have them all in one bottle? About $15.

2008 Afghanistan Poppy White  — This wine, from Taliban Cellars in remote hills, is crisp on the palate, to the point of being really aggressive. Unlike other wines, you will start feeling a swell high after just one sniff. And, you have the chance to support an emerging market. $13 and a bargain if there ever was one.

2008 Marseillaise — Allons, enfants, a new import from La Belle France. This worthy red wine, from the noble fields of Burgundy, has a small computer chip imbedded in the cork — when you pull it out; you hear a stirring rendition of the French National Anthem sung by the chorus of the French National Opera. Matches up perfectly with Coq au Vin on Bastille Day.  Note, you have to stand up when opening.

2006 Blue Blood Red — A fit accompaniment to any gracious meal. A very rich blend of cabernet, syrah and zinfandel, available only by the case through the Social Register Association.  

 2006 Il Follimento — This is the most expensive wine ever produced from Italy’s Piedmont district. You will love the look on your guests’ faces when you tell them that this wine costs 1700 Euros, or 1,040,000 lire, if you are nostalgic for the old money days.

 1709 Ancienne Regime — Finally, a wine that is all nostalgia. Frisson Cellars found some wine in a very old barrel in Bordeaux and bottled it. Somewhat brown, with strange stuff in the bottom of each bottle — this is a wine not to taste, but to tempt. Never to be duplicated and thank heaven for that. Price on request.

 2008 Dr. Arzneimittelausgabenbegrenzungsgesetz. Trokenbeerenauslese. This German word having to do with putting limits on drug costs has now been applied to a fabled dessert wine. Yes, it does taste a little like medicine, but your pronouncing it will amaze your friends. Check out the unusually wide label. From Blitzen Cellars.

 2008 Zinfanhistimine — Some people complain they get headaches drinking red wine. This gem is the answer. Nasal Cellars adds an anti-histamine to its wine. So, you need a prescription for it, but that’s a small price to pay, especially if you are Medicare.

 2008 Chateau TCA. — Why worry about wine that has possibly been tainted by a bad cork? The makers of this wine guarantee that this vintage reeks from trichloroanisole (TCA). When you order this wine, you can send it back with authority! One bottle to a customer and that’s plenty!

2008 “A 100-Point Wine!”—This tops them all. Everyone wants a wine that scores 100 points, so Hyperbole Cellars in Lone Pine has come up with this wonderfully deceptive name. As you pour the wine, you proudly and loudly announce to your guests, “I thought you’d like to taste “A 100-Point Wine” and, believe me, your guests will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

2008 C&C Champagne — Many lovers forget whether their significant others like delicious chocolate or Champagne for Valentine’s Day. Here’s the answer — a fab sparkling wine with delicious chocolate chips floating in the bubbly. The sweetness of the chocolate balances perfectly with the acidity of the Champagne, canceling each other out.   

 If you can’t find these wines on the shelves in the near future, look for other similar wines that will amuse your mind and your palate.