It was a frequently used wine cliché a few years back — the one that went, “We listen to our grapes.”

I heard it again recently as if it were trying to make a comeback and it brought back wine tasting lectures of old. Winemakers listened to the grapes and some winemakers must have listened to the grapes more than others because their scores were better.  

At first, “listening to grapes” sounds like a very fine idea, but just dropping by a vineyard for an all-to-brief listen may only give a winemaker snippets of facts and not the whole nine acres.

Grapes hang around in bunches, so they are gossipy and loquacious by nature and what you hear from the grapevine might not be true. Some grapes could confuse a winemaker with contradictory advice. After the winemaker leaves the vineyard a bunch of sour grapes might talk behind the winemaker’s back.

So, in the name of research and the fact that the Register will go anywhere for a story, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak back into the vineyards one night to hear what these grapes are really saying. This is a true transcript.

Cabernet: Wow, was it cold last night! My sugar is down and I need to soak up some rays.  Maybe I’ll do a weekend in Modesto. Frankly, I don’t know how they stand it in Region 1. I am freezing my buds off.

Chardonnay: Right!  This lousy weather is getting under my skin. Everyone tells me to get ripe, but no one has a clue how to do it.

Pinot noir: Tell me about it. It’s the pits, but I have a cousin in Oregon; they’re always worried about rain and mold.

Cabernet: I heard that rumor, too, but I think it may be a bunch of rot. Talk like that should be nipped in the bud.

Pinot noir: Speaking of nipped in the bud, have you guys heard the latest wine joke? Let’ see — how many wine salesmen does it take to uncork a bottle of wine?

Cabernet: Not that joke again! That joke’s so old; it’s been around since the Bordeaux classification of 1855. Doesn’t anyone have a new joke?

Chardonnay: No, who ever tells us any? The winemaker? All he does here is come out here and listen. By the way, I think we are going to get a new trellising system. That news really bends me out of shape.

Sauvignon blanc: Yeah, but it could be worse.  I hear mechanical harvesting is a real buster.  Lots of my friends are raising cane about it.

Merlot: Shhhhh! Quiet! Here comes the winemaker. Play dumb.

Winemaker: Hi, grapes, how’re they hanging? Is the sap flowing? Ha, ha.

Cabernet:  (as an aside): Talk about saps, where did they find this hayseed? Not so good, now that you mention it. I’m never going to get up to 23.5 Brix. Can’t you put in a call?

Winemaker: Not to worry.  We may have a good late autumn.  

Cabernet: Yeah, and maybe an earthquake!

Winemaker: No, I am sure it will warm up. When do you want to be picked?

Cabernet:  Maybe in two weeks. Who knows? Why don’t you check back in a couple of weeks? We can do lunch.

Winemaker: How do you feel about some new French barrels, really sexy?

Cabernet: Hmmmm. With more people on the red wine kick, new oak would get you a better price. But do me a favor. Knock off the merlot in the blend. People are starting to talk. they say I’m getting soft. I’ve got a rep, you know.

Winemaker: O.K. What else?

Cabernet: Don’t go around telling everyone about our conversations. This listening to the grapes bit is our little secret. If wine drinkers knew about this they may think you've gone around the bend. Pretend you know something. Didn’t they teach you anything at Davis?