Why don’t victims of domestic abuse leave their boyfriends or husbands?

Shea Hunter, program director of Napa Emergency Women’s Services, said that’s the question she hears most often from people who are not caught up in the cycle of domestic violence.

Tracy Lamb, executive director of NEWS, said a better question is why abusers use physical force or other unacceptable means to control their mates or children.

Although some victims of domestic violence are men, one-third of American women will become victims, according to NEWS.

While the term is widely used to describe the use of physical force against a mate or child, domestic violence also includes more subtle forms of abuse which are as harmful as physical blows, Hunter said. Emotional abuse causes a breakdown of a person’s dignity, and may start with inappropriate joking about a person’s appearance or name-calling, she said.

An elusive manifestation of emotional abuse includes fights which put a couple’s children in a tug-of-war between parents.

One parent may threaten to run away with the children, Lamb said.

A parent may threaten to report the other adult to Child Protective Services for abuse that is not happening, she said, adding that emotional abuse is more difficult to define than physical abuse.

Abusive patterns increase with time, Hunter said. “Fear is very powerful. ... It’s one of the best control mechanisms.”

Financial abuse is another concern and it results in ruined credit, evictions or borrowing excessive amounts of money from family members who eventually grow resentful, Hunter said. Such abuse happens when the breadwinner of the family denies their mate — perhaps a stay-at-home mother — access to money as a way to control the relationship.

“It takes years to recover and restore good credit,” said Hunter.

Early signs

Physical violence, however, evolves slowly — as part of a cycle of tension, explosion and then a honeymoon phase — and typically precedes apologies, love and attention and promises that “it will never happen again,” Hunter said.

Although many men and women remain trapped in abusive situations for years, people in new relationships should pay close attention to signals indicating abusive behaviors.

Some of the warning signs include unreasonable jealousy, attempts to isolate a mate from friends and family, rushing a relationship and making demoralizing jokes.

Gayle O’Kelley, program manager of Victim and Witness Services, an arm of the Volunteer Center of Napa Valley, said abusers often “feel inadequate and have low self-esteem so they want to control others. ... Some are extremely manipulative and others use bullying behavior.”

Connie Millimaki, a co-founder of the Napa domestic violence counseling program Alternative for Better Living and founder of another group, WomenAlive, said it is important for victims of domestic violence to understand not only what drives their abusers to the edge, but how their own conduct might contribute.

“As we work with some of the batterers, we tell them to take time outs” or otherwise distance themselves from a volatile situation. Sometimes, Millimaki said, “the other side doesn’t know. They are not understanding the dynamics of it.”

If you’re in a new relationship, Lamb said, it’s important to get the person’s previous relationship history when possible.

Those who are experiencing warning signs of domestic violence should take the relationship slowly, talk to someone about it and not ignore or minimize problems, she said.

It is important to watch for indicative behaviors because many people in unhealthy relationships often must make multiple attempts before leaving for good, said Lamb.

“It sometimes takes many, many times to hit rock bottom. ... One of the key factors is hope. They hope the person will change.”