Financial divorce

More than 50 percent of California marriages end in divorce and it is a rare family that has no experience with it. As a financial advisor for many couples, I see divorce in my practice regularly. I am no stranger to the psychological and economic impact of divorce. It can be devastating on both counts. The divorce process is incredibly draining. The second-guessing is endless. The guilt is often horrendous. The worry about the money is heavy. Dealing with the failure is agonizing.

Here are some of the reasons that divorce is so expensive.

After the separation and before the divorce, both parties must maintain two separate households. There are two utility bills, two phone bills, two rent or mortgage payments, two of literally everything.

There are also usually two attorney fees. Expensive appraisals of real property, pension accounts, and personal property are often required. If a business is involved, a valuation must be done — a valuation that neither party thinks is accurate. 

The income needs and earnings of each party must be assessed.  If children are involved, support payments are required. Then there are all the little things that must be considered like: Who pays for the braces? How about education? Public or private? Four-year college or community? What about driving at age sixteen? Who buys the first car and how much should it cost? What about the soccer fees, ballet lessons, piano lessons, uniforms and all the fundraisers? Married couples usually set a plan or establish ground rules for each of these and many others. Divorced parents may have different agendas for deciding who pays for what. The kids are sometimes the pawns in the great divorce chess game.

From an economic point of view, my advice is to avoid divorce at all costs. Many couples say that they wake up after 10 or 20 years of marriage and they don’t recognize the person sleeping next to them. How does it happen? It happens one day, one week, one month and one year at a time.

My experience is that marriages change. Relationships change.  It is impossible to sustain the euphoric bliss of the early courtship. You settle in, dealing with life on its terms. However, there seem to be some basics that are common in stronger marriages.

One may be a commitment to make it work. It is a commitment to communicate. It is a commitment to set mutual goals, a commitment to compromise. It is never always one way.

I personally believe that children have a way of teaching couples about sacrifice and unselfishness. Most of the time I see the selfishness as the common root of divorce.

I have seen what appeared as horrible marriages survive with good counseling and effort on the part of each party. I have seen men and women commit grievous transgressions against a spouse, and have their marriages survive some serious changes.

I have seen many a marriage crumble at the feet of substance abuse and the outcomes of such abuse. I have also seen people change. I have seen drunks stay sober, addicts stay clean and the depressed come out of it.

However, it is my opinion that for every substance abuse-caused divorce there are two or three that die from neglect. Each party quits caring about the other. Each spouse sets out on a path that does not involve the other. These paths are often expensive and lonesome.

Marriage is not just about the money, although there are plenty of economic reasons to stay married. It’s about the sadness. It’s about the pain. I recognize that many individuals are happier after the divorce, but it takes a lot of healing to make that happen and preventive medicine is always better. Why not do the little things that keep the marriage together?  Why not make the necessary changes to be happy with the person with whom you started?

Notable Quote: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” Benjamin Franklin

Tom is a Registered Investment Advisor and Certified Financial Planner®. If you have questions or topics, you may call or write Tom at 1030 Seminary St. Suite D, Napa CA 94559, 254-0155, fax  254-0158 or E-mail suntrm@aol.com

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