Ev Parker

A few weeks ago, I wrote a story on what I deemed the worst movie I ever had the misfortune of viewing. A film so bad that I’d blocked it out of my mind forever — that is, until many years later when I found myself trapped on a tour bus on the way home from Tahoe and the leader of our “pack” came up with what he thought was a great idea.

That friendly gentleman, encouraged by an overwhelming round of applause, popped a videocassette into the television set on that bus, and my old cinema nightmare returned. This city boy was subjected to one hour and 20 minutes of pure “corn” with a script so trite it was beyond belief.

I hadn’t seen the film “Ma and Pa Kettle On The Farm,” starring Marjorie Main and Percy Kilbride, for years. But because all the shades on that bus were pulled tightly down, I had to sit and endure.

My scene-by-scene analysis led me to realize that the movie wasn’t as bad as I once thought it was — it was worse!

So recently, I asked readers here in Napa and friends on the East Coast their choices for all-time cinema disasters, and I got plenty of feedback on “beauties” I’d long forgotten, or wanted to forget over a long history of movie going.

Barbara “Bubbles” King of Napa had seen an updated “King Kong” on premium television recently and called it the worst movie she ever saw. Bubbles also mentioned that the 1933 original “King Kong” towered over the remake and that Faye Wray had it all over Jessica Lange as the leading lady. King noted in closing that her husband, Jim, a fine fellow who I know, actually liked those Ma and Pa Kettle movies, but quickly added, “But what does he know?” I didn’t touch that last comment, because you don’t question a veteran of World War II who fought in the Pacific with his Navy Bomber Squadron #104 — even about the Kettles.

Joan Tillotson, a fine Napa artist and teacher, bestowed the “Bombs Away” award on “Creature From The Black Lagoon” (l954); as did our pal Ann Sambrotto who, as far as I know, never met Joan Tillotson.

Another Napa friend, Rita Guthrie, and her pal, Arleen, had recently seen, “Pirates of Caribbean — Part II” and both ladies gave it a definite thumbs down. Rita asked me if I’d seen either “Pirates” film, and I had to admit I’d seen the first but walked out of the theater halfway through. Although Johnny Depp, the current star, gave it his best shot, he could not rescue that bomb. Depp isn’t in the same league as Errol Flynn, who, in the l935 swashbuckler “Captain Blood” fascinated millions of movie-goers.

Other Napans rang in or e-mailed their “Bombs Away” awards, and one in particular jogged my memories. A Napa gentleman came up with the never-to-be-forgotten or forgiven “Plan 9 From Outer Space” fiasco. The man recalled inept dialogue, laughable special effects, actors who seemed to give up halfway through the film and called it the worst movie ever made. Wow!

A witty lady said that, regarding the 2005 remake of “War of The Worlds,” all she could figure was that Tom Cruise must have been in need of cash to work in that disaster. Ugh!

Friends on the “Right Coast” cast their ballots, and my boyhood best pal, Ray Szekretar of Floral Park, N.Y., reminded me of all the Vincent Price horror movies we saw. Price, really a fine actor, was typecast in it seemed a score of those bombs — but hey, a guy’s gotta eat. One of those bombs in particular stood out, a 1953 chiller called “House of Wax.”

Ray took me back to the time when three-dimensional movies were the rage and everyone about to watch a 3-D movie was given a pair of celluloid and cardboard eyeglasses to wear. Ray laughed and said, “Do you remember what happened, old pal, when Vincent Price threw an ax at the theater audience?”

I laughed. We both dove off our chairs and onto the theater floor with the rest of the 3-D audience; that ax was heading straight for our heads!

Finally, my friend Terry Yacona, an old Glendale neighbor now living in Manahawkin, N.J., and my “research bureau” of one, shared her movie memories with me. She opted for “Words and Music,” a 1948 “can’t miss” epic on the lives and work of composers Richard Rogers and Lorenz (Larry) Hart. The music was grand, but Tom Drake as Rogers and Mickey Rooney as Hart turned beauty into a beast.

Terry also remembered her late sister Marion’s love of films and how in 1957 Marion eagerly awaited a “can’t miss” production titled “Raintree County,” which would replace “Gone With The Wind: as the all time number one film. An overlong and rambling script led to nearly three hours of sheer boredom and consignment to the “Bombs Away” file.

I guess the moral to this essay, if in fact there is a moral, is that what constitutes a cinema bomb is really in the eye of the beholder.

Parker can be reached at evjenpar@mailbug.com or 224-9956.