This is a fairy tale as told by a journalist addled by too much government-speak, cop-speak and nonprofit agency-speak.

Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood walked through the forest near Napa.

She came through a wildlife corridor created as a mitigation measure proposed by a developer in order to build a new subdivision. The project helped the county reach affordable housing goals established by the Association of Bay Area Governments and the state Department of Housing and Community Development.

Near a sparkling stream, a wolf spotted Little Red Riding Hood. "Where are you going?" asked the wolf.

"Why, I am walking to grandmother's house with a pie made without genetically-modified fruit, but it is difficult to find a path because so few of the private lands here have conservation easements," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"It's a problem," agreed the wolf, who told the little girl to watch out for government takings of private property, which are prohibited under the Fifth Amendment.

He then raced ahead to an affordable home -- constructed with fire-retardant roofing materials in accordance with the Napa County Firewise program -- and found there only Little Red Riding Hood's tasty-looking grandma.

The wolf sat down to work on the visioning process for the branding strategy for the long-range plan regarding the consumption of Little Red Riding Hood and her grandma. Being a lone wolf, he did not need to engage in a team-building process first.

He proceeded to eat Little Riding Hood's grandma, a clear act of elder abuse.

Little Red Riding Hood was delayed on her trip home. An ambulance containing firefighter/paramedics from Napa County Fire/California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection traveling eastbound sped past as Caltrans engineers surveyed to get the parameters of an infrastructure project funded by the California Transportation Commission, which acts on recommendations of the Metropolitan Transportation Commission, which acts on recommendations from the Napa County Transportation and Planning Agency.

Actually, one engineer was surveying while two supervised.

Passing through a redevelopment zone and a traffic-calming area with bulb-outs, Little Red Riding Hood arrived at home and entered her grandma's bedroom.

There, she noticed her grandma had unusually beady eyes and sharp teeth. "Why Grandma," she said, "I see you did not complete your Medicare Part D application or use your prescription drug discount card, because your teeth are snaggly and your eyes are beady."

"These are the results of an Upvalley exfoliating spa treatment and aromatherapy session performed by a certified massage therapist. They are the better to see and eat you with," said the wolf, who then tried to take a chomp out of Little Red Riding Hood.

"Wait," said Little Red Riding Hood, "You are not the lowest bidder in the request-for-proposals to eat little girls. That item was pulled from the consent calendar and cannot be considered today. This is only an opportunity for public comment."

And so the wolf's proposed action on his proposal for Little Red Riding Hood's fate was continued until another day.