A Napa Journal: The marriage test

By KEVIN COURTNEY

When we are besotted with love, it's easy to skip over some of the critical relationship issues that can determine if a marriage will be a success.

And so the New York Times has published a list of 15 questions. They should be asked in the afterglow of Valentine's but before the spring wedding.

For those of us already wed, this exercise is not without value. The examined life is a better life.

Over Saturday morning coffee, Cheryl and I went down the list to see how well we'd done our homework before marrying four years ago. We did not earn A-pluses.

The questions:

1. Have we discussed whether or not to have children? Who will be the primary care giver? Since we'd been there and done that in our former marriages, we didn't have to consider that one.

2. Do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? Do we have the same financial goals?

I admit it. I spent like a mad man to woo Cheryl. After marriage, my wallet shriveled. Fortunately, Cheryl is also innately frugal. Playing it safe, we keep our finances largely separate.

3. Who will do the various chores? I claimed dibs on vacuuming and lawnmowing for which I have exceptional zeal. Given her technical/plumbing expertise, Cheryl got computer glitches and leaky faucets.

As for cooking, Cheryl announced I would be on my own. I wasn't fazed. Who needs food when you plan to live on love?

4. Have we discussed our health histories? Cheryl said she was healthy as a horse. I made no excessive claims. We agreed to marry anyway.

5 and 6. Is my partner affectionate to the degree I expect? Can we discuss our sexual needs, preferences, fears?

Good questions, but let's not burden this column with the answers. Moving on.

7. Will there be a TV in the bedroom? We asked an even more basic question: Will there be a TV? During year one, we took our TV off the grid.

8. Do we truly listen to each other -- our ideas and complaints? Isn't this what lovers do? Ad nauseum.

9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other's spiritual beliefs and needs?

Early on we laid our spiritual cards on the table. Her first husband had once been a minister, which made her the ex-wife of a preacher man. That I found scary.

I confessed my unevolved spiritual condition, which she may have found scary.

10. Do we like and respect each other's friends? Since I was planning to marry Cheryl, not her friends, this question never occurred to me. Not an issue.

11. Do we value and respect each other's parents? Will they meddle?

Cheryl's surviving parent was a nice man. My mom lived 2,000 miles away, beyond any possible meddling. Sadly, she died before Cheryl could meet her.

12. What does my family do that annoys you? A touchy question for some couples, but not for us. We existed in a love bubble.

13. Are there some things you and I are not prepared to give up in marriage?

Being love drunk, I would have given up pretty much anything. Only after marriage did I discover that I needed an identifiably "Courtney space" in Cheryl's house. I got it.

Cheryl, who kept her house with its furniture and sometimes frilly decor intact, gave up the right side of the bed, which I coveted.

14. If one of us were offered a career opportunity, would we move far away?

Leave Napa? Never, Cheryl said. I'm with you, kid, I said. Yet we occasionally daydream about other places, other lives. I'd like to live in New York, London and Paris for a year each. Cheryl has this thing for Santa Barbara.

15. Does each of us feel fully confident in the other's commitment to marriage?

"Fully" doesn't leave much wiggle room. When we tied the knot, we were both as committed and confident about the future as two people from failed first marriages can be.

Hope springs eternal.

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